Alone With My Cuts
by SherlockDr.Who.Etc.4evrz
Summary: One month after Sherlock's 'death'. John can't even say his name. He searches for a way to punish himself for not doing something more to save his best friend, the man he fell in love with. Soon Sherlock returns and you'll have to read to find out what happens.
1. Chapter 1

_**Chapter 1**_

_ONE MONTH AFTER THE FALL _**(POV ~John Watson~)**

Mrs. Hudson won't stop calling me. I haven't returned to 221B Baker Street since Sher-, since _he_ jumped off the roof of St Bartholomew's Hospital. She wants me to come home. The hotel is expensive and I miss my warm bed so I agree. I check out of the hotel and head to the street. "TAXI!" I call.

Every day since _his_ sui-, his suic-, his jump, I go back to his grave. I talk to him, cry over him, and tell him that I'm sorry I couldn't save him. There must have been something I could have done! I replay it in my head every night in my nightmares, trying to find a loophole, trying to make him ok. Only to awake to life and try to find a way to punish myself.

I open the door to the flat. Everything is exactly the same; Mrs. Hudson didn't dare enter. A salty tear streams down my face. I walk into the living room and lay a gentle hand on Sher-, on _his_ chair, touching the soft, cool leather.

I walk to his room and see my favorite purple shirt on his bed. I lift it to my face and breath in his scent. It's been a whole month since the fall. I walk into the kitchen to make tea and see the pocket knife he had gave me on the counter. I pick it up and toy with the blade. So I don't disturb Mrs. Hudson, I grab a bowl, bandages, and a cloth. I sit in his chair and position my arm, hovering over the bowl. I put the cloth in my mouth and take a deep breath. I place the blade on my skin and apply pressure. I swipe it across my wrist and feel pain spread throughout my body.

Hot, sticky blood runs down my arm and pulls in the bowl. I spit out the rag and breathe through my teeth. This pain is nothing. I've felt worse. I go for it again, reminding myself why. "This is for not saving you." Again. "This is for being useless." One more time I draw blood. "This is for falling in love with you." Mrs. Hudson's soft rapping came to the door. "Hold on," I say, wrapping my bleeding arm and hiding the bowl of blood. I put on a long sleeved jumper and open the door, relieved to have found a punishment suitable for a man who let his best friend die.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

TWO MONTHS AFTER THE FALL (POV ~Sherlock Holmes~)

I miss him –SH

I know-MH

How is he? –SH

He visits you grave every day and seems fine when he leaves the flat. –MH

Ok. I hope he doesn't miss me –SH

Are you kidding me?! You were his best friend. –MH

I know. On more month and I'll come home. –SH

Sherlock. I need to tell you something. –MH

Yes? –SH

Well, John made me disable the cameras but I left one intact and well… -MH

Spit It Out. –SH

I caught him cutting himself for the last month. –MH

WHAT! I'M COMING HOME! –SH

You can't! You'll get the both of you killed! –MH

Why would he cut himself?! –SH

He thinks you're dead. –SH

Then tell him I'm not! –SH

I can't! Do you want him dead? Look, I'll watch him and make sure he doesn't do anything worse than splicing his wrist. Then, in a month, we'll tell him. –MH

I shut the phone. I can't believe that John, my John, would feel so much pain as to need to punish himself for my 'suicide'. Why? He couldn't love me as I love him. Could he? God I miss him. Just one month. Then I can see him. I just need to take it day by day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

3 MONTHS AFTER THE FALL (POV ~John Watson~)

Today is the 3 month anniversary of _his_ death. 2 months of cutting myself. I awoke to nightmares, again. I'm not leaving the house today. I don't know what I would end up doing if I did. I walk into the living room, sit in _his_ chair, and fall asleep.

(POV ~Sherlock Holmes~)

Today I'm going to tell John that I'm alive. 3 months, 3 months too long, have passed without him. It felt like an eternity. One whole month ago, I found out that John had been cutting himself. He would have been for 2 months now. That ends today. He believed I am dead for 3 now.

Now, I have to wait for 4 o' clock, when Mrs. Hudson will be at the store. I dress in my usual attire and hail a cab.

I see John, my John Hamish Watson, asleep, not-so-peacefully, in my chair. He stirs, trying to toss-and-turn in the uncomfortable, leather chair. I pick him up and, careful not to wake him, lay him in his bed. I sit next to him. I allow my hand to gently stroke his face. He relaxes at my touch. I go make tea.

(POV ~John Watson~)

I wake up screaming. I stand up. How'd I get into my bed? I walk into the living room and hear someone making tea in the kitchen. I walk into the kitchen, staring at the floor. "Mrs. Hudson, I-" I look up to see a man with dark curls standing at my kitchen counter making tea.

It can't be! He- He- He's dead! The man spins around and his eyes, the ones that I have to try to force myself not to melt into, meet mine.

"Sherlock?" I say for the first time since the fall.

"Yes, John, it's me," he says. My legs can no longer support me. I fall to my knees. I break into tear and Sherlock just stands there.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

(POV ~Sherlock Holmes~)

"John?" I say. He has broken down into loud sobs. I've never seen him cry. I never want to ever again.

I walk into the living room and set down the tea. John stands and walks slowly towards me. I think for a hug, even for me it's hard to tell. I open my arms and his fist slams into my face, squarely on the left side of my jaw. I smash into the wall behind me with such force, it shakes the whole room. I deserve it. I really do. His fists land into my face and chest. The punches slow and eventually stop.

(POV ~John Watson~)

I open my eyes to see Sherlock. He is aginst the wall with a bloody nose and a busted lip. No doubt I at least brused him in various places, yet, he makes no attempt to stop me or fight back. A tear streams down his brused cheek and I let mine fall.

"I loved you," I say, finally admitting my feelings.

"I loved you and I still do!" He exclaims.

"Then why'd you-, how'd you-" I can't finish the sentence.

"It was an allusion John! Moriarty had 3 assassins who would kill Mrs. Hudson, Lestrade, and you if I didn't jump!"

He steps closer to me and I slap him. I roll up my sleeves and take off my bandages, revealing the scars. "This is what you made me do! I couldn't be without you! I wanted to die but I had to punish myself for not doing more to save you! Every night I replayed the day in my head trying to find some way I could have helped you! But you were ALIVE this whole time!"

(POV ~Sherlock Holmes~)

His words stung but were 100% true. I could be immortal and not deserve him. I need him as much as he claims he needs me.

I slam my lips into his. He tastes of peppermint and drink. My arms go around his waist and I bend down for easier access to John's mouth. His hands tangle in my hair and when we brake for breath I tell him that I'm sorry. "Apology accepted," he says, kissing me again and leading me towards the bedroom.


End file.
